No more next time
We barely notice that we’re doing it, but it’s a fundamental aspect of how we construct our daily lives. We “look forward” to all manner of events and occasions, from holidays and birthdays to an evening at the movies or the school sports day. Anticipation is a characteristic of human existence and can be an accessible source of imaginary pleasure – the smell of that barbecue, the embracing sound of the theatre audience’s laughter, the cold thrill of that initial plunge into the sea. Each experience can be enjoyed ahead of time in our ‘mind’s eye’, and welcomed with comforting recognition when it finally arrives in our reality.
And because of the way in which we construct time in our minds, combining past, present and future into a rolling kaleidoscope of sensation and perception, each of those pleasures can be savored retrospectively while also being stored in our memories for “the next time”.
But what if there is no “next time”?
One of the most heartbreaking aspects of experiencing the death of a loved one is that after the initial shock and pain of the loss, there will be a succession of reminders of his or her absence. And for a year, the “nexts” become “firsts”. “Next Thanksgiving” becomes “the first Thanksgiving without them”. My “next birthday” becomes my “first birthday without them”. And our “next anniversary” becomes ……. well, you get the point.
Grief counselors are very familiar with this phenomenon, and will gently prepare clients to anticipate these triggers and be aware that they can be, temporarily, quite troubling. And, of course, these “firsts” will occur throughout the year after the bereavement. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, family traditions – the diary will be full of these reminders. So even many months after the loss, when life is just beginning to settle in to the new reality, a wave of acute grief can be expected to follow on from these unavoidable calendar driven triggers.
Do grief counselors have a remedy for these distressing occasions? The answer is both yes and no. No, because we can’t stop or slow time. These significant dates will, of course, continue to occur, whether we want them to or not. And for the first year of bereavement, they will always be the “first without him or her”.
But some of those significant dates, such as their birthday, or the date of their death, will continue to provoke some renewed sadness and sorrow for the rest of the grieving survivor’s life. Which is understandable and not to be dismissed or denied. Indeed, it leads us directly to the “yes” bit of the answer to the question “Do grief counselors have a remedy for these distressing occasions?”
One of the core tenets of helping someone to transition from “acute” grief to “integrated” grief is to enable them to develop an awareness of how their emotions and thoughts naturally ebb and flow over time. Some days will be good, others less so, which is to be expected, particularly if one of those days is especially significant, like an anniversary or a birthday. And there’s no one “cure” for the sadness that wells up on a “trigger day” other than to recognize it for what it is, to be tolerant of yourself and your feelings, and to know that it will pass. Some people throw memorial parties on these special days, others visit a jointly treasured location, and others spend some quiet time browsing through the photo albums or writing in a journal.
In each case, the grieving survivor is acknowledging the typical and understandable nature of their feelings, and could even feel reassured that by incorporating their physically absent loved one into their ongoing lives, he or she can still be emotionally present.
So while there may indeed be “no more next time” out there in the real world, there will always be “here and now” in your heart and soul.