Milestones and Millstones
We’ve all played the “where were you when ……?” game. The assassination of JFK; the first moon landing; the fall of the Berlin Wall; the attack on New York’s twin towers – they all feature predictably whenever a casual conversation turns to recent globally historic milestones. And each of us has a similar, more personal, list of significant life events. That first kiss, graduation day, leaving home, getting married, becoming a parent – everyone’s list will be unique to them. But these global and personal lists all share one key characteristic – there is a ‘before’, and there is an ‘after’.
The distant moon never seemed quite the same again after a human being - Neil Armstrong - had left his footprint on its dusty surface. The Manhattan skyline never felt quite the same again after the soaring towers of the World Trade Center collapsed. Both locations were transformed by a momentous single event. In the case of the moon, it was a triumphant testament to human ingenuity and determination. In the case of the Twin Towers, it was a tragic demonstration of humanity’s capacity for violence and murder. The ‘before’ and the ‘after’ weren’t just a matter of a change in reality. They also represented a change in emotional perspective – a change in our ‘worldview’.
And so it is with bereavement. Whether the loved one’s death was sudden and unexpected, or the inevitable conclusion to a protracted illness, the effect of the actual loss is always profound. Yesterday, they were alive – today they are not. Yesterday was ‘before’. Today is ‘after’.
In certain circumstances, Grief Counselors can be asked to help with the ‘before’, and we’re trained to assist with what is termed “Anticipatory Grief”. That’s the category of grief that arises when a person enters the final stages of a terminal illness and it can be devastating for both the sick patient and their loved ones alike.
But more frequently, our work is concerned with helping people come to terms with the “after”. One of the most challenging aspects of the initial phase of grieving is the realization that the boundary between before and after death is a matter of legal definition and is, sadly, always irreversible. (Yes, there are situations where the ‘person’ may no longer be present while their body is still functioning – such as with some dementias, or other brain injuries and illnesses – but current medical conventions still insist that such a person is ‘alive’). This irreversibility will often take some time to sink in. Disbelief and denial are common as people struggle to accept the new reality of a world in which their loved one is no longer physically present. It isn’t easy, but one of the most important steps is to realize that what was definitively the final “life event” of their loved one’s existence was not the final life event of their own lives – even though it can feel like it is. The deceased’s life path may have concluded, but theirs will carry on into a future that can still deliver joy, laughter and love – if they let it. There can be life “after”.
The milestone of such a bereavement life event is inevitably enormous - and will remain in sight for the rest of their lives. But in time the grieving traveler will be able to look back down that life path and smile at the many happy memories they and their loved one generated ‘en route’, marked by numerous milestones, large and small. They will, of course, spy the huge, but receding, milestone of their loved one’s passing and will inevitably feel a wistful sadness. But they will hopefully also notice the many new and happy milestones that have been erected since that transformative bereavement and will be able to take some comfort from having found the courage to continue to live a full and rewarding life.
Milestones serve their purpose by confirming our progress along life’s path. But the big ones are heavy and are not meant to be carried with us for the rest of our journey.
Because attempting that turns a milestone into a millstone, and carrying millstones is exhausting.